silverking | ✖ IC CONTACT #3

LIEUTENANT YAHA OF THE ALLIANCE TO ISLEY OF THE ORDER; HIS AMIABLE ACQUAINTANCE, LOVE OF PRISCILLA, AND TO VASSALS OF ALL RANKS TO BOW TO HIM, A KING AMONG KINGS.

I write now using this Forge because my words become muddled within my head and mouth. They twist about in the ways of chaos to where I cannot be certain what it is that I wish to be said is said. My pen writes more than what I could ever hope, and for that I am glad the Gods grant me the understanding of words to allow them to flow now. Yes, I carry on in this manner to say that within the party and the garden that I found myself in such a muddled place. Your Priscilla, who while I cannot share the affection that you have, for her need not fear much nor suffer ire from me. Your heart remains with her. I shall write a letter of this sort if it will ease her soul to know that there is nothing between us -- and the truth of that is painful. We shared a chance to enjoy the glory of bloodletting and real battle, not just the spars within the safety of the arms of friends. This is something which cannot be forgotten, nor can I hope to allow it to rest.

What I speak now is of that which is forgiveness is but a word that barely covers what it is that I purpose. What I speak of is a new start where we can begin once more as friends. I would say that drink got the better of me, but the only better that I felt had taken me was grief. I wished for hurt upon others. It is a childish and worthless emotion that I cannot think that you share with me, and for that I am glad. The warning which came to those that came to me upon the death of my father was to not lose myself, but lose myself I did. I lost myself to desire of pettiness and wrath. There was nothing which I could strike out against in the pain of my father's death, so I sought out friends and those who had been patient with my madness up to this point. I fear this sounds as though it is river of excuses, but it is an explanation for my horrid actions and behavior up to this point. I could not deal with my Orsino, my father's, a light which graced so briefly upon my life and was snuffed out far too soon's death.

Please accept the words which I write now which I cannot hope to be able to spill with words from my lips.

I pray to the Gods that you fare far more well than I do.

I regret to inform you, Yaha, but I do not respond well to flattery. Having said that, I would like to address a few statements in your letter.

Firstly, the loss of a parent is a particularly difficult kind of suffering to bear. I understand you, with your already unstable mind, were troubled all the more by Orsino's departure. Outbursts due to that are understandable, almost expected. There are few who can claim they would feel nothing if their parents were wrenched from their lives...but my ire is not to do with your sorrow.

You see, Yaha, I made several concessions for your behavior, more than I should have. I believe it is only fair to you that I put to rest now any misconceptions about our relationship you might have formed. So listen closely.

I would not advise writing a letter to Priscilla. She never believed there was anything between you and I because there was never was. Her displeasure lies with my leniency, and that is all. You and I shared nothing. You and I are not friends. Whatever you think we shared and are reluctant to forget? For me is already forgotten.

As for forgiveness...

No. That is a thing that is earned, not a thing that is begged for. And, to be completely honest, I'm not even certain if I possess the capacity to forgive you. You pursued me, stole from me, took advantage of my generosity, harassed a man of mine who was instructed to help you, and you literally stabbed me in the back. Pleading for pardon is asking a bit much.

The good news? Your prayer was answered. I'm faring quite well! Thank you for that consideration.

LIEUTENANT YAHA OF THE ALLIANCE TO ISLEY.

I shall speak of nothing flowery in my title since I see that it is seen as a mean to appease rather than what it is. For that I apologize that my words are once more not being conveyed in even the text which is written before me.

Allow me to address what it is that you have said as you have addressed upon my letter. I fear that you speak of understanding in the way that a fish understand what a bird experiences. You cannot understand the pain of it, but can only see what it causes. The words of statement of granting understanding and expected results is but the flowered words that lash out to speak of what it is that my pain has caused me to do. I said that it was not an excuse, but a reason for why it is. The meaning of such is that when someone is greatly hurt, they wish for hurt upon another -- the hurt caused in but a single action ripples out in a pond. That starts out small and spreads wider and wider. It cannot be stopped until it finally meets its edge. I have but started to find that edge for my grief.

To say that you understand that pain then brush it away as though it were but dust upon the parchment is an affront. So, dId you really hurt when your love did not love you? For if you did, you would not brush away the words which I wrote to you so easily when I was so grieved.

I speak now in less kindness, for I fear for you. The fact is, my once liar friend, you survive, Isley. You do not live.

I really don't think I owe you any explanations, but I'll permit you this.

When I say that I understand, I mean just that. I lost both of my parents. I lost my mentor. When I died, I lost the family that I formed back home. I have lost a young man and a young woman who were like children to me, the former having disappeared twice from this world.

Two years in this city, and I have lost those who I was fond of, and I have lost an equal who helped, for a time, to add to the dimension of my new life here.

Please don't speak as though I know nothing about loss and the pains it causes.

Loss is an inevitable part of life, however. It is something you must learn to manage. Admittedly, I have lashed out in my own suffering in the past. In fact, the reason I do not fight along side Priscilla on the Alliance is because I am banned from joining. You see, I destroyed nearly half of it, once. I took out my anger on others, but that is not something that people can continue to do if they expect to live in this city.

So, you see, that means I am in fact the one who is living. The one who is surviving is you...just barely scraping by.

LIEUTENANT YAHA TO ISLEY.

I find through your words that the sins which I committed were committed greater and the suffering you felt higher than mine. Yet you grant no forgiveness for those that sin as you do so.

You asked for forgiveness for what it is which you caused, and you worked for it, or were you granted it but with those words in understanding? It may very well have taken you a time, but my sins are small in comparison. Can you not see in your heart the hypocrisy which is spread about the air now?

There is no life if you cannot see error in others and wish to find forgiveness what it is that was caused in worse by your own hand.

Truthfully, I fought for what I now have. It has been an uphill battle, one that I have often thought I was close to losing.

As it is, the only way that I am able to maintain a balance is to exercise a certain level of consideration for others; it is not always easy, especially given my inclinations, but with practice...it does come more naturally. Either way, it is precisely that kind of thing which you have failed to demonstrate. So, what I speak of is not hypocrisy. It could only be hypocrisy if you had made honest attempts to amend the behavior which offends...and you have not.

You have only come to me with words. Countless words which are flowery and may well be empty. Spoken, written...it makes no difference. I do not trust you. Only your actions can change that.

And accusing me in order to relieve yourself of the burden of blame is a poor place to begin.

I have come forward to admit that I have done wrong. I believe that is a good step. As for how to do much else, I fear I do not know due to the depth of which it is that I have caused hurt. I feel it is best to speak now. I have found a moment of peace in my seas to be able to speak.

I am feeling but a bit upset that I found myself unable to find anything fun for my arm which I enjoy myself with was almost severed from my body. I believe a friend which lived on the island which I came from ... he would call using the other -- 'the stranger.' I do find it such. I, at least, like some familiarity to my daily routines.

Pain caused is caused with two parties. I am already suffering.

I once questioned what I could do to make up for the transgressions I'd committed. I received no answer, at least, not of the variety I'd hoped for at the time.

For wrongs of this magnitude which we commit, there is no quick fix. If you are truly regretful, if you truly mean to do right, admission and making apologies is a good start, but it is not the only step you must take.

The road to forgiveness is a long and...very tiresome road to walk.

[It is here he sighs.]

Do you even know why it is you seek forgiveness, Yaha? Be certain it is something you want from me, something you need, before you endeavor to earn it...because all I can promise is that it will not be easily attained, if it is at all attainable.

[And a touch irritably:]

Your arm is not my concern. Heal it and you will be fine in that regard.

I am trying something new that I am here. Before I would cause terrible transgressions and see no reason to apologize for I was in power, but now I do not wish to live in that world anymore. The world of one who does not see the weight of what it is that they do. That is only meant for those who sit at the top and have no one who they can call their equal, and feel no pain at being an outcast. A lonely and terrible life which I do not wish to experience.

What is it that I want ... to find what it is to be what it is that I am. My madness has separated from me from the reality of the situation which I found myself. As you see, I can just erase memories and that is what I find most peace in doing, but is that right? I could have you just ignore me, and to no longer see reason to do anything painful for me, but I wish to do something more than that... I wish to be more than what it is that I am. I do not wish to live within this city but awaken what is dead within this soul of mine.

When Orsino died, I realized how much is lost within it and I wanted to fill it up with more than just that which comes from the lower half of the man's body. Something that will make it shine so bright with light that the darkness is all but banished. I remembered then that it used to shine when I was friends with ... but I can't see him anymore... I cannot see Justice anymore... but I do not want to be empty.

I live but it is an empty sort of living.

[ A beat. ]

My arm should be partially your concern. Since it is almost removed from my person.

[Putting on hold the rest to ask disbelievingly:]

Why haven't you yet healed that injury or found someone to do so for you?

It is attached... the scar is going to take awhile to get rid of now...

My beautiful skin.

I wish that I could say it could serve as an adequate reminder for what you did wrong, but if it isn't to be permanent, and your memory being what it is, I won't count on such a thing.

[...]

More than anything else, you know that I am disappointed, don't you?

Edited 2012-12-02 05:10 (UTC)

I do find disappointment in myself.

I promised I would never hurt someone I loved, but I did.

You mean Anders. Or, more specifically, Justice.

...What you did to him was, perhaps, worse than what you did to me. A man should never be made to feel like he is caged, Yaha.

He was merely using the wrong approach...

No.

In that, I believe all three of us are to blame. However, the fact remains, you do not forcibly trap a person you love in order to extract from them what you want.

[Like he had done to Priscilla in the past. He's long since learned from it, of course, learned that nothing good ever comes of it and that it is unarguably a wretched course of action to take.]

I certainly have no desire to do it, again.

I still can't say that I believe you, but time will tell.

Indeed, it shall.

...Where are you living now?

The Alliance Headquarters.

Is that meant to be long term, I mean?

As long as I am part of the Alliance, I will be with them.

I see.

The living arrangements there are comfortable, at least. You're well off.

My children and I are comfortable.

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