silverking | ✖ IC CONTACT #3

Truthfully, I fought for what I now have. It has been an uphill battle, one that I have often thought I was close to losing.

As it is, the only way that I am able to maintain a balance is to exercise a certain level of consideration for others; it is not always easy, especially given my inclinations, but with practice...it does come more naturally. Either way, it is precisely that kind of thing which you have failed to demonstrate. So, what I speak of is not hypocrisy. It could only be hypocrisy if you had made honest attempts to amend the behavior which offends...and you have not.

You have only come to me with words. Countless words which are flowery and may well be empty. Spoken, written...it makes no difference. I do not trust you. Only your actions can change that.

And accusing me in order to relieve yourself of the burden of blame is a poor place to begin.

I have come forward to admit that I have done wrong. I believe that is a good step. As for how to do much else, I fear I do not know due to the depth of which it is that I have caused hurt. I feel it is best to speak now. I have found a moment of peace in my seas to be able to speak.

I am feeling but a bit upset that I found myself unable to find anything fun for my arm which I enjoy myself with was almost severed from my body. I believe a friend which lived on the island which I came from ... he would call using the other -- 'the stranger.' I do find it such. I, at least, like some familiarity to my daily routines.

Pain caused is caused with two parties. I am already suffering.

I once questioned what I could do to make up for the transgressions I'd committed. I received no answer, at least, not of the variety I'd hoped for at the time.

For wrongs of this magnitude which we commit, there is no quick fix. If you are truly regretful, if you truly mean to do right, admission and making apologies is a good start, but it is not the only step you must take.

The road to forgiveness is a long and...very tiresome road to walk.

[It is here he sighs.]

Do you even know why it is you seek forgiveness, Yaha? Be certain it is something you want from me, something you need, before you endeavor to earn it...because all I can promise is that it will not be easily attained, if it is at all attainable.

[And a touch irritably:]

Your arm is not my concern. Heal it and you will be fine in that regard.

I am trying something new that I am here. Before I would cause terrible transgressions and see no reason to apologize for I was in power, but now I do not wish to live in that world anymore. The world of one who does not see the weight of what it is that they do. That is only meant for those who sit at the top and have no one who they can call their equal, and feel no pain at being an outcast. A lonely and terrible life which I do not wish to experience.

What is it that I want ... to find what it is to be what it is that I am. My madness has separated from me from the reality of the situation which I found myself. As you see, I can just erase memories and that is what I find most peace in doing, but is that right? I could have you just ignore me, and to no longer see reason to do anything painful for me, but I wish to do something more than that... I wish to be more than what it is that I am. I do not wish to live within this city but awaken what is dead within this soul of mine.

When Orsino died, I realized how much is lost within it and I wanted to fill it up with more than just that which comes from the lower half of the man's body. Something that will make it shine so bright with light that the darkness is all but banished. I remembered then that it used to shine when I was friends with ... but I can't see him anymore... I cannot see Justice anymore... but I do not want to be empty.

I live but it is an empty sort of living.

[ A beat. ]

My arm should be partially your concern. Since it is almost removed from my person.

[Putting on hold the rest to ask disbelievingly:]

Why haven't you yet healed that injury or found someone to do so for you?

It is attached... the scar is going to take awhile to get rid of now...

My beautiful skin.

I wish that I could say it could serve as an adequate reminder for what you did wrong, but if it isn't to be permanent, and your memory being what it is, I won't count on such a thing.

[...]

More than anything else, you know that I am disappointed, don't you?

Edited 2012-12-02 05:10 (UTC)

I do find disappointment in myself.

I promised I would never hurt someone I loved, but I did.

You mean Anders. Or, more specifically, Justice.

...What you did to him was, perhaps, worse than what you did to me. A man should never be made to feel like he is caged, Yaha.

He was merely using the wrong approach...

No.

In that, I believe all three of us are to blame. However, the fact remains, you do not forcibly trap a person you love in order to extract from them what you want.

[Like he had done to Priscilla in the past. He's long since learned from it, of course, learned that nothing good ever comes of it and that it is unarguably a wretched course of action to take.]

I certainly have no desire to do it, again.

I still can't say that I believe you, but time will tell.

Indeed, it shall.

...Where are you living now?

The Alliance Headquarters.

Is that meant to be long term, I mean?

As long as I am part of the Alliance, I will be with them.

I see.

The living arrangements there are comfortable, at least. You're well off.

My children and I are comfortable.

That's good. Comfort and a place of sanctuary will help you to overcome these trials.

...Have you said all that is on your mind?

So it would seem.

I'll bid you a goodnight, then.

Good night.

To show how sorry that I am, I shall leave you be for a week's time. You shall see no hide nor hair of my person in your shadow. Nor that of my children's. That should show how sorry that I am.

Should it?

I don't see how avoidance is proof of remorse. You're welcome to keep your distance, but that does not show me that you are sorry.

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