You expect so much, and living up to those expectations is difficult. It is also taxing to be so near to someone who reciprocates none of the feelings that you do.
It's an uphill battle with you. I feel as though I am constantly at a disadvantage, though I'm certain you will find that hard to believe.
You are so adamant in your belief that it is not you whom I speak of.
However, it is your yoki signature, however big or small, that I recall with explicit certainty. It is your face that I see whenever I close my eyes and remember whom I died for. It is your scent which completely inundates my senses whenever I stand too near to you...
...but none of that matters to you, does it?
How real you are to me is inconceivable, isn't that right?
You gaze at me with those impartial silver eyes and see a monster waiting to burst free from the fleshy confines of a human body. Never mind the painstaking effort I have gone through for your sake... never mind the extent to which I've gone to please you.
All you will ever see is a hungry beast. And here... I had foolishly hoped that someday... perhaps if I was patient... you might come to see me as something a little better than some sort of savage animal.
[And that just takes her breath way. Enough so that she curls her hands into fists, and does - just for a bit - literally stop breathing.]
[Even after - when she's breathing again, it takes a bit to find her voice. Which is very quiet, and a little fragile, now.]
That's not... fair. Isley. I barely know you. I know stories. And I know history. And I know...
[That no matter how pleasant you are, even if you're honest, and well-intentioned, you still are what you are. But she can't quite get that out. So her voice breaks, instead, and she gasps a little.]
...that's not how I see you. I wish I did; it would be easier if I did. Because what if... what if I did believe you? Then what?
Then I wouldn't know what to do. Not that I know now. But if I believe you it'll be so much worse.
You ask of me a great deal that I am uncomfortable with, and I comply. How is it not fair for me to ask of you something that takes... just as much work? Disrupts just as much comfort?
Not that it is my wish to make you uncomfortable, but... Priscilla... I do wish for you to understand me better, my side of things... and see where it is I am coming from.
[ A soft blanket of cool snow falls over the ice. His voice is suddenly more gentle, if no less wintry than before. A detached concern, or perhaps it is more... withheld. A protective measure? Maybe. ]
Well, it seems you've bitten off quite a bit more than you can chew as of lately... ah, that is to say, you've been through quite a lot, and you've had no reprieve from any of it. It's been one thing after another, and I wonder if that has anything to do with why... you fell ill in the first place.
But I digress... after all, that has nothing to do with why you're so afraid of me.
...I'M JUST GOING TO THE LOBBY, I THOUGHT MAYBE SOME CHEETOS... FROM THE VENDING MACHINE...
And I guess it is a digression, a bit. But it's not completely unrelated. ...Isley, I.
[She takes a deep breath, and... plays with her bedspread. Which ruffles the Forge a bit.]
I wish I could tell you how complicated you make... everything. Well. I guess I could, but it would take a while. I don't even know if I have the right words. And I'm not saying I want you to go away. And I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just that it's you. You make me feel so...
[Afraid? But that's circular. She bites on the knuckle of her thumb.]
...safe. In a way. And calm. And when I'm not with you, everything is confusing and loud and I'm so angry and so... sad all the time. And when I am with you, it's quieter, and I almost feel good again.
But that's... so terrible.
The vending machine you saw earlier is a figment of your imagination.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Do you know why that is, however? Can you begin to imagine why?
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[She takes a slightly shaky breath.]
But I do want to know.
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I know.
[There are a few people like that to her, after all. ...or, well, most people really.]
[Which is fair enough, but...]
...how is being around me exhausting?
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It's an uphill battle with you. I feel as though I am constantly at a disadvantage, though I'm certain you will find that hard to believe.
As you do everything that I say.
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[Another shaky inhale.]
There's a lot I could say to that. But I probably shouldn't.
I did say I wouldn't ask anything else. I'm... sorry to have asked so much already.
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You're free to ask me anything... ask anything of me.
[ Not that he won't twist it to suit his own motives. ]
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[Still a sticking point. She huffs. Quietly.]
I don't really know who I believe about anything anymore. But it would be very strange of me not to be skeptical. At least.
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[ The frigid tones return; he's offended. ]
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...how?
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However, it is your yoki signature, however big or small, that I recall with explicit certainty. It is your face that I see whenever I close my eyes and remember whom I died for. It is your scent which completely inundates my senses whenever I stand too near to you...
...but none of that matters to you, does it?
How real you are to me is inconceivable, isn't that right?
You gaze at me with those impartial silver eyes and see a monster waiting to burst free from the fleshy confines of a human body. Never mind the painstaking effort I have gone through for your sake... never mind the extent to which I've gone to please you.
All you will ever see is a hungry beast. And here... I had foolishly hoped that someday... perhaps if I was patient... you might come to see me as something a little better than some sort of savage animal.
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[Even after - when she's breathing again, it takes a bit to find her voice. Which is very quiet, and a little fragile, now.]
That's not... fair. Isley. I barely know you. I know stories. And I know history. And I know...
[That no matter how pleasant you are, even if you're honest, and well-intentioned, you still are what you are. But she can't quite get that out. So her voice breaks, instead, and she gasps a little.]
...that's not how I see you. I wish I did; it would be easier if I did. Because what if... what if I did believe you? Then what?
Then I wouldn't know what to do. Not that I know now. But if I believe you it'll be so much worse.
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As if... I have anything to gain by lying to you, and nothing at all to lose.
[ His voice is still frosty and offended, thin ice ready to break, cold water ready to rush up and pull the unsuspecting under. ]
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You don't know what you're asking of me.
[Her voice trembles. Much like she herself is.]
...please don't disconnect on me.
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Not that it is my wish to make you uncomfortable, but... Priscilla... I do wish for you to understand me better, my side of things... and see where it is I am coming from.
[ A soft blanket of cool snow falls over the ice. His voice is suddenly more gentle, if no less wintry than before. A detached concern, or perhaps it is more... withheld. A protective measure? Maybe. ]
You're trembling. Why?
No matter my disappointment, I won't hurt you.
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It's much worse than with the others.
Therapist Isley icon is go!
What a horrible idea!
[And then she stops talking. Because yes, she has an answer. But, really, does she want to say it?]
[Maybe not.]
[But then again, is there any way around it at this point?]
[Her breath shakes.]
--I don't know if I should say.
But that's part of it. I never know what I should say. Because I can't trust you, not even if I want to. And I do want to.
But I can't stop wanting to, either.
It appears to be a problem stemming from your childhood. Let's dig deeper to get to the root of it.
...Although, you've already gotten sick, haven't you?
I wonder if that would have happened if you'd... been shouldering less of a burden.
Hmm...
o-oh god, no, let's not!
[Wait, what's that Hmming?]
...what?
But in order to cure you...
/slinks toward the door
...where do you think YOU'RE going?
But I digress... after all, that has nothing to do with why you're so afraid of me.
...I'M JUST GOING TO THE LOBBY, I THOUGHT MAYBE SOME CHEETOS... FROM THE VENDING MACHINE...
And I guess it is a digression, a bit. But it's not completely unrelated. ...Isley, I.
[She takes a deep breath, and... plays with her bedspread. Which ruffles the Forge a bit.]
I wish I could tell you how complicated you make... everything. Well. I guess I could, but it would take a while. I don't even know if I have the right words. And I'm not saying I want you to go away. And I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just that it's you. You make me feel so...
[Afraid? But that's circular. She bites on the knuckle of her thumb.]
...safe. In a way. And calm. And when I'm not with you, everything is confusing and loud and I'm so angry and so... sad all the time. And when I am with you, it's quieter, and I almost feel good again.
But that's... so terrible.
The vending machine you saw earlier is a figment of your imagination.
...lemme go check. >.>
Well, in that case... let me go with you. ^_^
.... that's okay. I know where it is. .../slinks
Nonsense. I'll escort you.
.... /runs for the door
/gives chase, because ooooh the chase is so much fun~
ahsbdbad OH MY GOD, I JUST WANTED THERAPY!!
And here I am offering you the whole package... *leer*
.... >.> you just wanna eat me!