I just don't know what to call it. It's... we're not really friends, are we? Because there's too much... something. But then we're not really together, either. But I feel guilty... when I miss Senji. Or when I look at someone else. But I feel guilty when I miss you, too. Or when I look at you. I just feel like I shouldn't, but then I can't help myself because you... make me ache. All over. But if we're not friends, and we're not... more than friends, what do I call it? You're one of the most important people in my whole life, and I only met you a few months ago.
I don't know what it is. I don't know what we are.
In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you would speak to the other Patrol members and see who would be most comfortable with temporarily switching partners.
The only way that I will reconsider... is if you can promise me that you can rise above your feelings of guilt. Deal with them however you must, but put them behind you.
Dwelling upon that which causes turmoil in your heart is not going to make things easier for you, after all... it will only make things more complicated. And in turn, that complicates matters for the rest of us, Priscilla.
Not yet? I can't promise anything. But what did you say to Helen that time? ...inevitable? I don't know. I don't really believe in inevitable things. Just being here instead of at home and awakened is proof of that, to me. And I believe I can change my future. I do. But...
[She goes quiet for a few seconds, and takes a little breath. Her voice shakes a little. Just a little.]
...I do think about you a lot. And the rooftop, and sleeping next to you, and hearing your stories. And what it was like to be with you and Yachiru, too. I could almost see... the stories you told me, then. And I don't regret it, really.
But sometimes I wonder if I'm being stupid. I know everyone else thinks so.
And sometimes I wonder if I'm being fair. To you, really. Because I know I still-- anyway. I probably don't need to say it, anyway. I know you know.
...but you're always so good to me, when you're not... terrible. But then when you're terrible, it just hurts so much. Because I care so much, and I don't know why - it's not even as though I've known you very long, and I--
Now I'm babbling again. I wonder if it would be easier if it were only us.
But I told Irene today... that I miss you when you're quiet. Even when you're making me mad, or... I just feel. Happiest with you. But then, I'm the unhappiest with you, too. Sometimes. It depends, really, on your mood more than mine.
Is that what you wanted to know? Or was it... what I want? I want a lot of things. I want to... lie on your chest and hear your heart beat. And I want to stop being confused all the time, and I want you to stop being so mad at me all the time. Or upset with me. Or whatever it is. And I want... old conflicts to go away so I don't feel like I'm choosing between you and my friends. And I'll... work on the guilt. I can try. Because I'd miss you too much if you really went off with someone else. But I don't really know what happens then, because even without the guilt, I still don't know what to do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
^_^
My attempts at rectifying the situation are obviously not helping.
...Perhaps you should tell me what you want, then. In your own words, Priscilla.
Again I say, ISLEY, YOU BITCH.
[Not really an answer! Well. An attempt at evading an answer.]
*beams*
/shakes fist at!!
Actually, I've been wondering that for a while now.
*flashes teeth*
Until then, I think it is advisable for us to work separately while on patrol.
/s-sob.
I just don't know what to call it. It's... we're not really friends, are we? Because there's too much... something. But then we're not really together, either. But I feel guilty... when I miss Senji. Or when I look at someone else. But I feel guilty when I miss you, too. Or when I look at you. I just feel like I shouldn't, but then I can't help myself because you... make me ache. All over. But if we're not friends, and we're not... more than friends, what do I call it? You're one of the most important people in my whole life, and I only met you a few months ago.
I don't know what it is. I don't know what we are.
But I know I don't want us to be less.
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In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you would speak to the other Patrol members and see who would be most comfortable with temporarily switching partners.
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[And now she's crying again. A little. She wipes her eyes.
And for a bit there, she considers disconnecting on him. Because she isn't sure if she can take any more talking.
But that would be rude. So, instead...]
...all right.
[Sad and resigned Priscilla is sad and resigned.]
I think that's... I don't think I have anything else to say.
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Dwelling upon that which causes turmoil in your heart is not going to make things easier for you, after all... it will only make things more complicated. And in turn, that complicates matters for the rest of us, Priscilla.
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[...]
And... well. Maybe you. Although maybe not complicates, so much as... um. I must be frustrating sometimes. Or a lot of the time.
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Of course, most of the time it manages to be endearing.
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Whatever "it" is at the time.
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And... you're frustrating, too. [...shaky voice again.] I just feel like I can't ever say the right thing with you. And it... it makes my heart. Hurt.
...I even almost disconnected on you. I don't ever do that.
Well. I guess I still didn't.
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And I don't really think you are.
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[She moves to disconnect... and then stops.]
Isley? Before you go...
[VOICE TRAIL OFF. Really just because she's trying to find the right words.]
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[ It's a patient tone that he uses, although he is not feeling very patient at all. ]
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[...hm.]
That's not what I was going to say. I'll still say it. But I want to know things, too.
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And we're not what we could be... not yet.
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[She goes quiet for a few seconds, and takes a little breath. Her voice shakes a little. Just a little.]
...I do think about you a lot. And the rooftop, and sleeping next to you, and hearing your stories. And what it was like to be with you and Yachiru, too. I could almost see... the stories you told me, then. And I don't regret it, really.
But sometimes I wonder if I'm being stupid. I know everyone else thinks so.
And sometimes I wonder if I'm being fair. To you, really. Because I know I still-- anyway. I probably don't need to say it, anyway. I know you know.
...but you're always so good to me, when you're not... terrible. But then when you're terrible, it just hurts so much. Because I care so much, and I don't know why - it's not even as though I've known you very long, and I--
Now I'm babbling again. I wonder if it would be easier if it were only us.
But I told Irene today... that I miss you when you're quiet. Even when you're making me mad, or... I just feel. Happiest with you. But then, I'm the unhappiest with you, too. Sometimes. It depends, really, on your mood more than mine.
Is that what you wanted to know? Or was it... what I want? I want a lot of things. I want to... lie on your chest and hear your heart beat. And I want to stop being confused all the time, and I want you to stop being so mad at me all the time. Or upset with me. Or whatever it is. And I want... old conflicts to go away so I don't feel like I'm choosing between you and my friends. And I'll... work on the guilt. I can try. Because I'd miss you too much if you really went off with someone else. But I don't really know what happens then, because even without the guilt, I still don't know what to do.
...I'm talking too much again.
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Even if only for a little while.
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