There are really a few reasons for it. To protect others, and to satisfy myself. I guess that's where the greed comes in. But I don't want to let myself get too comfortable with where I am if I could do better.
[A long pause. She presses her lips together.]
And there are other reasons, too.
There are things I want to do that I can't do, now. If I went home tomorrow... I would want to dismantle the Organization, but that would mean needing greater strength, especially with all the experiments I've heard about. Things I didn't know they were doing, when I was still there.
[ It's not a question. He recalls that incident rather well, as it took place just before his arrival and was still rather fresh on the lips of the Scorched who had seen it broadcast to the Network. ]
[Yes, probably. She doesn't exactly have a lot of enemies.]
...no one ever did anything about her. And no one knows what she did to me. The way she tormented me. All her little threats, her... mindgames. She forced me into hiding for weeks, and she killed-- [Her voice breaks a little. But she doesn't say the name.] --if it hadn't been for Yachiru, I wouldn't be here now.
She's left me alone for a while now; I'm not sure whether it's because of you or because I scared her away. But everything about the life I had before that day disappeared after it. Some things are worse than others... but.
Every day I think about her skulking around in the ruins. And no one ever did anything.
There aren't many who could have done anything even if they'd wanted, Priscilla, and if they'd tried, I'm sure you would have stopped them.
However, she does need to be dealt with, but... you nearly Awakened that time, did you not? Are you willing to risk that again to take her down... when she may very well return? When you may lose yourself in the process?
[There are a lot of things she could say now... about how that was mostly true, and if any one person, or even any number of combinations of people, had tried to move against Riful, she would have barred their way - physically, if necessary.]
[But all of those thoughts, all of those comments, are drowned out by the weight of that question.]
There's justice, and there's revenge... and sometimes they're the same thing. Or at least connected.
I--
[...and it isn't that she doesn't know the answer - she does, and always has. But she isn't sure whether it's something she really ought to tell him.]
[...no, that's a lie. She does know that it isn't, really.]
[But.]
There are only two things I've ever hated. There's yoma... and there's her.
I became what I am to fight the yoma. To fight her?
It's not something I'm proud of. But I don't mind changing again, if it's to fight her.
[Her voice shakes, and she hugs her knees.]
That doesn't mean that I want to change. I've been trying to think of how to do it without that step. And without pulling you into my fight. But if it's Riful... I don't know if I can.
As we are, you and I will be able to deal with Riful, but if she should return? She is bound to strengthen her ties to Luciela, and the pair of them, feeling threatened, are bound to launch an all out assault against us, perhaps with aid... it's difficult to say. It is even more difficult to predict what the outcome of that assault will be.
That is why... I am not certain I will stop your Awakening should you reach that point. You will not be able to increase your strength quickly enough otherwise, and the events that would follow a fight with Riful would be most inconvenient if you were to remain at your current level.
[ Satisfied? It's not the whole truth, but it's definitely the more substantial part of it. ]
[Well. That's definitely a good point. She rubs her face, shifts in place.]
...that's probably true. Or... maybe true. But.
[A little stretch of silence. She drags a finger along her arm, thinking, and when she speaks again, her voice is... a bit different. More sure, but quieter. More the soldier and less the hurt girl.]
I've been thinking about the situation here for... a long time. Since you arrived most of all, but before that, too. The two of thm together, their alliance, even if it's only tentative right now... it's already disastrous as it is. And they're going to come after you eventually, especially after you killed their um, sidekick.
Just like I know Riful will eventually come after me. Because she's afraid of me, and she knows I can't fight her now. I think... if there's even a chance that I won't come back, she'll take it one day. Especially with you here. ...especially if she knows or finds out about us.
Isn't that what you said when you first arrived? That everyone from our world, no matter their differences, were united in wanting to keep us apart? I know that's true. And now I've cut off Deneve's information source, so she's probably even more nervous than she was. Especially since I kind of threatened her.
Which means... [She pinches the bridge of her nose, as though thinking this way is a strain.]
Which means. Even aside from my personal vendetta... something needs to be done before they do something. If it's possible for them to come together - Riful and Luciela, or the soldiers who are my former comrades - we'll only ever be at war. Even if there's no actual battle. In a way, we already are. [A cold war. But a war nonetheless.] And we'll always be outnumbered.
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no subject
[A long pause. She presses her lips together.]
And there are other reasons, too.
There are things I want to do that I can't do, now. If I went home tomorrow... I would want to dismantle the Organization, but that would mean needing greater strength, especially with all the experiments I've heard about. Things I didn't know they were doing, when I was still there.
And here... I have a few vendettas.
Well. One.
no subject
You mean Riful.
[ It's not a question. He recalls that incident rather well, as it took place just before his arrival and was still rather fresh on the lips of the Scorched who had seen it broadcast to the Network. ]
no subject
[Yes, probably. She doesn't exactly have a lot of enemies.]
...no one ever did anything about her. And no one knows what she did to me. The way she tormented me. All her little threats, her... mindgames. She forced me into hiding for weeks, and she killed-- [Her voice breaks a little. But she doesn't say the name.] --if it hadn't been for Yachiru, I wouldn't be here now.
She's left me alone for a while now; I'm not sure whether it's because of you or because I scared her away. But everything about the life I had before that day disappeared after it. Some things are worse than others... but.
Every day I think about her skulking around in the ruins. And no one ever did anything.
no subject
However, she does need to be dealt with, but... you nearly Awakened that time, did you not? Are you willing to risk that again to take her down... when she may very well return? When you may lose yourself in the process?
no subject
[But all of those thoughts, all of those comments, are drowned out by the weight of that question.]
There's justice, and there's revenge... and sometimes they're the same thing. Or at least connected.
I--
[...and it isn't that she doesn't know the answer - she does, and always has. But she isn't sure whether it's something she really ought to tell him.]
[...no, that's a lie. She does know that it isn't, really.]
[But.]
There are only two things I've ever hated. There's yoma... and there's her.
I became what I am to fight the yoma. To fight her?
It's not something I'm proud of. But I don't mind changing again, if it's to fight her.
[Her voice shakes, and she hugs her knees.]
That doesn't mean that I want to change. I've been trying to think of how to do it without that step. And without pulling you into my fight. But if it's Riful... I don't know if I can.
no subject
[ He smiles cruelly, a smile that heavily waxes the tone of voice that he uses. ]
Do you believe she is so remarkable, deserving of your consternation? No, of course you do, or we would not be having this conversation at all.
I hope that you realize you've inadvertently given her the advantage by allowing her behavior to affect you as much as it has?
[ A moment's pause as he taps his index finger to his cheek in thought, the sound barely audible. ]
...Quite the predicament you've landed yourself in, Priscilla.
I'm really not certain my assistance would be all that much of a benefit to you...
[ And we both know why. ]
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[And maybe she does know, or at least suspect.]
[But she's going to ask anyway.]
But why would you say that?
no subject
[ Points for honesty? Mmm... probably not. ]
no subject
[She makes a noise, that is kind of like a laugh, and kind of like a sharp exhale.]
I guess I did know.
But... what's changed since two weeks ago? You stopped me then.
no subject
[ Which is obvious, and says nothing at all as to why. ]
no subject
It's not as though I'm surprised. But I am a little curious.
no subject
That is why... I am not certain I will stop your Awakening should you reach that point. You will not be able to increase your strength quickly enough otherwise, and the events that would follow a fight with Riful would be most inconvenient if you were to remain at your current level.
[ Satisfied? It's not the whole truth, but it's definitely the more substantial part of it. ]
no subject
...that's probably true. Or... maybe true. But.
[A little stretch of silence. She drags a finger along her arm, thinking, and when she speaks again, her voice is... a bit different. More sure, but quieter. More the soldier and less the hurt girl.]
I've been thinking about the situation here for... a long time. Since you arrived most of all, but before that, too. The two of thm together, their alliance, even if it's only tentative right now... it's already disastrous as it is. And they're going to come after you eventually, especially after you killed their um, sidekick.
Just like I know Riful will eventually come after me. Because she's afraid of me, and she knows I can't fight her now. I think... if there's even a chance that I won't come back, she'll take it one day. Especially with you here. ...especially if she knows or finds out about us.
Isn't that what you said when you first arrived? That everyone from our world, no matter their differences, were united in wanting to keep us apart? I know that's true. And now I've cut off Deneve's information source, so she's probably even more nervous than she was. Especially since I kind of threatened her.
Which means... [She pinches the bridge of her nose, as though thinking this way is a strain.]
Which means. Even aside from my personal vendetta... something needs to be done before they do something. If it's possible for them to come together - Riful and Luciela, or the soldiers who are my former comrades - we'll only ever be at war. Even if there's no actual battle. In a way, we already are. [A cold war. But a war nonetheless.] And we'll always be outnumbered.